SANDVITCH!
by Ichiro-Temajii
Summary: My first fanfict, so no pairings. What happens when a mischievous Scout and Pyro steal Heavy's beloved sandvitch? Hilarity ensues. Rated K-plus to be safe. TF2 belongsto Valve, and Martha Stuart belongs to Martha Stuart


"Sandvitch"

Disclaimer: TF2 and all related characters belong to Valve; the story is mine though,

"Who ate my sandvitch?!"

Scout and Pyro paused from their card game to look up as Heavy came barreling into the kitchen. He skidded a bit on the polished linoleum floors but quickly regained his footing. He frowned at the two smaller teammates sitting at one of the long wooden picnic tables that littered the room.

"You!" He roared.

"You did not eat sandvitch did you?!"

Scout held up his hands.

"Hey cool it, lard-ass! Me and mumbles here had nothing to do with your sandvitch!"

Heavy scowled.

"Leetle scout is a bad liar! You have crumbs around your mouth! And you!"

He pointed at Pyro.

"You have crumbs on your gloves! You sandvitch-handled sandvitch!"

From behind the gas mask, Heavy thought he saw what looked like a flinching face. Scout obviously sensed it too, for he replied.

"Hey cool it fatty, these crumbs are from a couple of hot dogs mumbles here made for us. Like I said; we didn't touch your damn sandvitch!"

Heavy stared long and hard into the dark lenses of Pyro's mask. Finally, after what seemed like hours to the two smaller teammates, Heavy tore his gaze away from Pyro and turned to Scout.

"If you and leetle Pyro didn't take sandvitch, then who did?"

Scout tilted his head to one side and scratched the back of his neck for a few moments. Heavy and Pyro watched him with growing curiosity. Finally, he replied

"Hmm. Dunno big guy. But just between you and me, I though I saw Soldier march down the hall towards the rec. room, and he looked mighty suspicious. Of course, you can't rule out that sorry queen of queer, Spy. Or maybe, Sniper took it as bait for one of doc's birds. That guy just doesn't quit trying to shoot them."

Heavy Scowled. He spun around and charged away with suprising speed for a guy of his size. As he barreled out of the kitchen, he yelled.

"Thank you for tip, leetle Scout. Now, I will find who took sandvitch, and I will make sandvitch out of them!"

Only when Heavy turned a corner out of sight, did Pyro give a muffled sigh of relief and slumped forward onto the table. Scout sighed and leaned back and began dealing the deck. After a moment of silence, Pyro turned and asked Scout.

"Mff fgmff frmmm mmpmh fffrhs mpmmmff?" (Why would it be so bad if Heavy found out we took his sandvitch?)

Scout's hand stopped and shook as he turned and stared at Pyro like he had suggested running into the RED base unarmed and yelling taunts.

"Ya crazy?! Dude, if he finds out, he's gonna make a new sandvitch-out of us!"

Pyro nearly fell out of his seat with alarm.

"Hmmf crfff ! Hforn dnnt frrkkkn wnnt tnfff dfff!" (Holy crap! I don't frikin' want to die!)

Scout tried desperately to calm the crazed pyro down.

"Hey man, relax! Seriously dude, why don't y- Oww! Hey, there's no need for the knife! Hey! Hey! Oh for the love of-"

Slap!

Pyro froze and a hand shot up to the slapped cheek. He bit back an angry retort and turned to Scout.

"Wfft tff hiffn wss thttt frr?!" (What the hell was that for?!)

Scout sighed and answered.

"Sorry buddy, but it was the only way you'd calm down."

Pyro's annoyance was instantly forgotten in the face of fear.

"Off gdd! Wff gon-" (Oh god! We're gon-)

Scout interrupted him before he could finish.

"No, we are NOT gonna die! Ok, here's the plan! When Fatty comes back, just deny EVERYTHING! If that doesn't work, then I knock him out with my Sandman and we run like hell to the RED recruitment office. Got it?"

Pyro nodded.

"Grrt Plnn! Btt, whtt imff hff fnds oot?" (Great plan, but what if he finds out?)

Scout chuckled.

"Ya kidding?! He'll never find out! It's fool-proof! It's the greate-"

" Yes I agree, leetle scout, It is a good plan. Except for one thing."

Scout and Pyro went rigid with fear as they heard a familiar Russian accent from behind them. Slowly, they turned around and looked up into a certain large Russian's face. Scout gulped nervously.

"A-and wh-what is th-that, Hea-heavy?"

Heavy gave a sinister grin that promised more than pain; it promised certain punishment.

"I already found out."

Two hours later, two BLU teammates were standing outside a locked kitchen door, wondering what the hell their large Russian teammate was doing. One of them, a tall, lanky Australian adjusted the Trophy belt he wore and asked.

" 'Ow long is Heavy goin' to take?! I'm starvin'!"

His companion, a slightly shorter, less lanky man in a white lab coat answered for the fifth time.

"Calm yourself, _herr_ Sniper! I myself do not know vat he iz doing in zer; quite out of character is I may say so myzelf."

Sniper nodded.

"True. Normaly, it's that firebug Pyro who's making dinner. More often 'an not, that annoying prick Scout is 'elping him."

"But we must be patient Sniper, after all, we don't know what-"

Medic was interrupted by the kitchen doors, which banged open to reveal a rather blood-splattered Heavy who carried a large, equally blood-splattered plate. He grinned when he saw the bewildered looks of his two smaller teammates.

" _Criviet_ Leetle Medic and Sniper!"

Sniper stared at the large plate.

"Err, Heavy? What's on that there plate?"

Heavy blinked.

"Oh this? This is classic Russian dish we eat back in Russia. Want to taste?"

Not wanting to be rude, both Sniper and Medic each took a piece from the plate. They noticed that Heavy had gone crazy with red-food coloring and both looked like ruby sandvitch slices. Heavy watched them eat with a smile plastered on his face.

"How is it?"

Medic was the first to swallow.

"It is delicious Heavy! What is this?"

"Scout and Pyro sandvitch!"

"!"

Sniper and Medic exchanged alarmed glances. Medic turned back to Heavy.

"I am sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part; what is it?"

Heavy blinked.

"Scout and Pyro sandvitch. Why?"

But neither Sniper nor Medic had enough feeling left in their bodies to answer. Sniper spat out the piece he had been chewing and Medic turned a moldy shade of green. Both muttered a hurried "excuse me" and together, they bolted for the shower/locker room, presumably to disinfect their mouths and empty the contents of their stomachs.

Heavy watched them go with curiosity before shrugging it off and returning to the kitchen. There he found, fast asleep on the bench, a snoring Scout and Pyro. Heavy blinked and chuckled. He guessed that the two were too tired to return to their rooms after making that enormous, heart-colored(as Pyro put it)sandvitch to compensate for the one they stole. He shook his head and said.

"Leetle Scout and Pyro should not be sleeping here on cold bench. Wake up and go back to your rooms."

It took a moment for Scout and Pyro to wake up. Scout sat up and yawned. Rubbing his eyes he turned to Heavy and said.

"Hey, thanks again for like, not making a sandvitch with our innards. We swear, no stolen sandvitchs again!"

Heavy chuckled.  
"Is no problem as long as you do not do it again. Just DON'T touch Sasha!"

Scout held up his hands.

"Consider it done!"

Heavy blinked and smiled.

"Your sandvitch is good! You make again for me _da_? Although," He said, confused, "Leetle Sniper and Medic do not like your sandvitch."

Scout tilted his head to one side.

"What'cha tell them?"

"I told them it was a "Scout and Pyro sandvitch." Why?"

Scout and Pyro exchanged troubled glances. Scout shook it off.

"Aww well, we ain't Martha Stuarts so s'no big deal."

Heavy grinned.

"_Da_! Is good to hear. I am not fond of this Martha Stuart lady."

All three of them broke out into laughter, clearly further frightening the two traumatized teammates in the shower room, who thought they were hearing the last antics of the two supposed sandvitched-to-death teammates.


End file.
